


Adventures in Ikea

by MotherFuckingSorcery



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-12-18 12:10:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18249563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MotherFuckingSorcery/pseuds/MotherFuckingSorcery
Summary: "Nagito, if you dont get your pale ass back here right now, I will tell Hajime about that time you pissed on the dog."Kokichi took a deep breath."Hajime doesn't like pee pee boys!" He yelled.A boy coughed quietly. Kokichi spun around"Would you like some help?" Asked the boy, with a face that looked like it was sculpted by an angel.





	Adventures in Ikea

**Author's Note:**

> A my sibling got lost in ikea pls help me find them au
> 
> I didnt want to finish this but i suffered throuh

Komaeda was gone. He had ascended to heaven. He wasn't dead, unfortunately. By heaven, Kokichi meant the large expanse of beautiful bedroom displays that some underpaid teen had put together.

"Komaeda, you overrated little twink! Get back here!"

Kokichi heard a creepy giggle and zeroed in on the sound like an attack helicopter. He ran towards it and he caught a glimpse of white hair as it flashed behind a Svalindörd.

"Nagito, if you dont get your pale ass back here right now, I will tell Hajime about that time you pissed on the dog."

Kokichi took a deep breath.

"Hajime doesn't like pee pee boys!" He yelled.

A boy coughed quietly. Kokichi spun around

"Would you like some help?" Asked the boy, with a face that looked like it was sculpted by an angel.

"With this empty bed? Certainly," Kokichi winked and reclined onto the bed.

"I-I meant with your missing sibling?" The boy blushed and Kokichi laughed.

"Forget him, I want to see if that blush goes down all the way," Ouma winked.

"Ouma tried to stick his pee pee into a bottle of grape fanta and it got stuck and we had to go to the ER and I told everyone but only Hajime-chan believed me," said a voice under the bed.

Ouma turned purple and made an aborted grab at Komaeda, who ran around the corner, with Ouma hot on his heels. Komaeda made a sharp right turn and tumbled into the boy who picked him up.

"I believe this is yours," he smiled, brandishing Komaeda like a sword.

Kokichi tucked Komaeda under his arm.

"Thank you," said Kokichi, batting his lashes, "May I know the name of my knight in shining armour?"

"It's Saihara Shuichi," said Saihara, scratching the back of his neck.

"Well, Saihara-chan, I insist that you come along with me where we will have some meatballs for half price."

Kokichi pulled Saihara in one hand and Komaeda in the other along to the cafe.

____________

 

Shuichi had been fanboying for five minutes about Danganronpa when Kokichi noticed a distinct lack of annoying questions.

Shuichi, noticing Kokichi's silence blushed.

"I'm so sorry, it must be so boring for you to listen to me go on about Danganronpa."

"No, you're super cute when you're fanboying but I think a body is about to be discovered," grimaced Kokichi.

"What?"

"I'm going to kill that brat," grinned Kokichi, a homicidal look on his face and grabbed Shuichi by the hand again.

Twenty minutes of searching later, the two were lost in Ikea.

"I've seen that ocean bathtub design four times," moaned Shuichi, leaning on a Kallax.

"Time for Plan B," panted Kokichi, pulling out his phone.

 

Shuichi sighed.

"How on earth is this going to work again?"

Kokichi pointed to Hajime.

"The ultimate bait will wait here and Komaeda will find him, so by extension we will find Komaeda. He has a weird Hajime sense built in. We will hide behind that impossible to pronounce wardrobe."

"The Allenmansrätten?"

"Oh, Saihara-chan, I didn't know you were a linguist. You must be good with your tongue," Kokichi flirted.

Saihara turned a brilliant shade of red.

"There's a five year old right there, Kokichi," he hissed.

"I'm six," frowned Hajime.

"Sorry," apologised Shuichi, while wondering how a six year old could look so stoic.

"Hajime, get into position," whispered Kokichi, already behind the wardrobe.

Shuichi slid in beside him and watched intently. The lights seemed to flicker in anticipation as the scuttling noises grew louder like insidious raccoons that ate your flesh and used your skull as a cup to drink their hot chocolate. Kokichi stiffened as flashes of white zigzagged in their peripheral vision.

"Hajime-chan," screamed Komaeda, tackling Hajime with a running leap of too much enthuasism.

Both the kids fell to the floor in a tangled hope.

"I'm surprised he didn't lick you as a greeting," sneered Kokichi.

Komaeda glared up at him while clinging to Hajime like an ugly limpet. 

"Get off me," says Hajime brusquely.

Shuichi can't help but feel sorry for the child as he detaches from Hajime with a pathetic look on his face. 

"Hajimeeeee," the boy whines.

"Shut up Nagito," rebuffs Hajime.

Shuichi half expects Kokichi to do something but Kokichi is watching gleefully, like the only thing missing is a bucket of popcorn. This isn't just a trap, it's also Komaeda's punishment, Shuichi realises. Far be it for him to tell other people how to raise their children but this manipulation into getting a six year old to do your mental labour and deliver an emotional smackdown seems, while masterful, wrong somehow. 

"Hey," Shuichi says to Komaeda, who looks dangerously close to tears, "Would you like to come and get a cinnamon bun with me?"

Komaeda lights up and Hajime looks like hes about as close as a six year old can be to committing homicide.

They make their way to the checkout, Kokichi trailing behind him. Komaeda tries to shove 2 hotdogs into his mouth simultaneously and Hajime hits him on the back, only slightly harder then necessary. Ah. Young love.

Kokichi trails behind, whinging more than the actual children. Kokichi plants a kiss on Shuichi's cheek as they strap both of the kids into the minivan and leaves Shuichi with a burning imprint of his kiss and his number. No one could say it had not been an eventful day.

**Author's Note:**

> Ikea owns my fucking soul.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Honestly writing danganronpa characters in au is so hard because theyre shaped by the killing game. I guess you could go for their pre game personality but then its almost ooc and not the character they love.


End file.
